just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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