my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
