do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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