sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
