So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
