you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
