i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
