So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
