Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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