For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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