OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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