One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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