Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
