Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
