YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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