im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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