this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
