Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
