Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
