i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize