She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
