I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
