4 words: hood of his car
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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