Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize