I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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