He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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