His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
