That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
