i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
