hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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