Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
