Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
