Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize