i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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