I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
