Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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