Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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