I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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