My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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