She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
