She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
