You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
