Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize