So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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