Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
