I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
