i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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