your parents love me but you hate me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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