I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
