Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
