apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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