I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
