Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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