I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
