Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
