: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
