just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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