I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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