We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
