At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize