And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
